Knicks-Nets Round 1: Ow.

So, am I the only one that came into this season thinking that, if the Knicks were to go 6-76, I wouldn’t even be that mad as long as those six wins came against the Brooklyn Nets and the Dallas Mavericks?

Sure, call me petty, pathetic, bitter, butthurt. That’s just fine. I just…I just want almost nothing more than to shower Kyrie, KD, and KP in boos and watch them lose.

After all, sports fandom is one of the only realms in which you can freely express the more awful aspects of your humanity without really hurting anyone. Rage, malice, jealousy, tribalism, blind loyalty, blind hatred. They’re all fair game in the culture of professional sports appreciation as long as it doesn’t bleed into your actual life and you start smashing windows with just your face, in my opinion at least. That’s part of what makes sports a great outlet.

Come on, man, not that kind of outlet…but also, like, yeah pass the fork when you’re good.

Anyway, I’m getting a little too frisky here: I would definitely care a whole lot if the Knicks went 6-76, but I would also (desperately) like to avoid getting punked by the likes of Brooklyn and Dallas this season.

The Knicks were the ugliest kid in school looking for a date to the homecoming dance last year. They asked a solid 10, a soft 8, and a 6.5 with big glow up potential, and they got laughed off the playground. If they get manhandled by the Nets and the Mavs this year, the lolknicks Twitter takes alone would be enough to have me cut the wheel hard next time I’m driving over the Governor Mario M. Cuomo bridge. Although, if the Nets player intros are any indication, their fans jabbering won’t be all too loud.

Sort of a beautiful place to die in the name of deranged basketball fanaticism, don’t you think?

So that brings us to last night’s game. Second of the season, first against the nuisance Nets who are looking to take over New York and drive me to smash a window with just my face.

Vitriol aside, the Nets roster is more proven, more balanced, and generally more talented than the Knicks, even without KD, so they should theoretically have handled them with ease.

Well, they didn’t.

Well, they did handle them, but it was not easy.

After going down big through the bulk of three quarters, the Knicks began to lock in on defense in the fourth , with Barrett even squaring up against Kyrie and doing a hell of a job for the most part. Three big shots from beyond the arc by Wayne Ellington had them up five with a minute and change to go. Then, Kyrie happened.

A flat earther in a Brooklyn Nets jersey just shit in your lunch box. Welcome to hell.

I suppose that’s what I get for my ridiculous loathing of the guy and his decision to sign with the more talented, less dysfunctional team, right? Just two big dad dick daggers right through my idiot heart. Damn.

At least he got booed on his home court, I guess?

Nah, still burns like ocean water on a chaffed ass.

Although it’s only the second game of the season, and the Knicks were expected to lose, that one was just unbearably brutal.

Still, there were some positive takeaways. Just, they came with a number of negatives.

Most of the young guys looked good. That’s the most important part of this season. Maybe the only important part. Remember that next time Kyrie takes a dump in your lunchbox.

Barrett struggled a bit to start but got cooking in the third quarter and gave the Knicks help on both ends of the floor. He got buckets from all over the floor and he’s definitely a better defensive player than we’ve been led to believe. 6 steals. That’s nice. Dude needs to work on his free throws, though.

Knox seems to be developing into a killer from beyond the arc and just a better player in general, but he gets absolutely cooked on defense way too often. It’s ugly.

 Trier was fantastic for the first three quarters until foul trouble had him riding pine in crunch time. Dubious decision on Fiz’s part. Let him foul out; none of these fools can make a play when the heat turns on.

Robinson had moments but once again found himself in foul trouble and did not play in the fourth. I’d call Fiz out on that, too, if the Knicks weren’t locking it down on the defensive end, I guess. Nah, actually, just play Robinson you god damn nitwit.

I’d like to stick with that and call it a night, ignoring how bumbling and sloppy drunk Randle looked, Marcus Morris and his hero ball stepback three that almost made me smash a window with just my face, the point guard nightmare, that god damn turnover where the ball bounced off Randle’s foot, and Dennis Smith Jr. in general…and you know what? I think I will. It’s only the second game of the season and I’m not ready to submit to another helping of orange and blue agony just yet.

On to the next one, I guess. MSG awaits and so do the slimy ass Celtics.  

Now, excuse me while I smash a window with just my face.

Again, ow.